draco's pick up lines
by mrs. alex richard pettyfer
Summary: the title explains it all


"Is the answer still no, Potter?" Draco Malfoy called out as he swaggered over towards the young Gryffindor, who turned from her conversation with her friends to roll her mesmerizing sapphire eyes at the approaching blond.

"_Yes_, Malfoy." Jade Potter shook her head, letting out a sigh.

"_Why_?" Draco pouted, sharp silver eyes focusing only on the short girl in front of him, and although his expression was amused, Jade could see the spark of curiosity within the swirling depths of the blonde's silvery eyes.

"Because." Jade replied, lips twitching slightly.

"Because what?" Draco pressed.

"Welll…" the brunette drawled, tapping her chin lightly as she did, "you haven't really been convincing enough, to be honest with you."

"_What? _How have I not been convincing enough?" Draco asked, looking affronted. "You know what, don't even answer that! I'll convince you soon enough, though, you can be sure of that…" he added quickly, before waggling his perfectly shaped eyebrows suggestively at Jade and then suddenly stomping off, with his nose in the air.

Jade finally allowed herself to smile, lips pulling up at the corners in a dazzling smile – probably the one that made Draco fall head over heels in love with her in the first place. Chuckling slightly, the Gryffindor turned back to her friends, wondering exactly what the Slytherin planned to do to persuade her.

Either way, she couldn't wait.

* * *

After the war, and the long, horrifying trial the Malfoy family had been put on (from which they escaped, free of any charges with Harry's help) Jade and Draco had fallen into a blithe friendship. It had been gauche at first, but when they both returned to Hogwarts to do their eighth years, it had grown stronger and stronger, until Parviti had noticed Draco's subtle, but flirty tendencies around Jade.

Things had progressed since then, with Jade responding eagerly to the flirting, but never quite giving in – simply because she found the whole thing extremely amusing.

* * *

"Pansy!"

"What, Draco? Honestly, I'm trying to finish off this stupid essay!"

"I need your help!"

"With what?"

"Jade Potter."

_*sighs* _"There's a book on my bed – I think you'll find it useful…"

"Thank you Pansy! I owe you one!"

"Yes. You do. Now shove off."

"… Hmmm… _Hilarious Pickup Lines… _This could be _interesting_."

"Potter!"

"Yeah?"

"If I were to look at the Mirror of Erised, I would see the two of us together."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Well, if I were to look in the Mirror, I would see… a pair of gloves."

"gloves?"

"Yup. red and gold, with lions on them."

"Oh. I just got rejected didn't I?"

"Yup."

"Damn."

"Jade, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did, but you can ask one more."

"Do you have a map?"

"Errr… yes?"

"What? You're not supposed to say 'yes'!"

"Why?"

"Because that doesn't work with the pick-up line!"

_*giggles* _"Make it work, Malfoy."

"… Alright…" _*takes a deep breath* _"...Can I have this map of yours then? 'Cause I just got lost in your eyes."

"Ha. Ha. Ha."

"My love for you is like… Diarrhea – I just _cannot _hold it in!"

"Wait, so your love for me is watery, brown and with a lingering stench?"

_*looks sheepish* _"So that pick up line was a no-no, then?"

"Mmhmm."

"But the book says that this particular pick up line has a hundred percent success rate…" _*stokes imaginary beard thoughtfully*_

"I highly doubt that, somehow."

. . .

"Hmphf. You're so difficult!"

"_Another_ pick up line, Draco?"

"Until you give in to me, yes."

"Okay, let's get this over with, then."

_*clears throat* _"You know, I'm not an Animagus, but sometimes I can be a real _animal_."

"… What? A Ferret? Of course, Draco, very _'animal' _of you."

"HEY!"

"Oh Jade…

"… Yes?"

"Where have you _been _all my life?"

"Hiding from you."

"Can I borrow your library card? 'Cause I'm totally checking you out."

"Sorry, Malfoy. I don't have one, but you can ask Hermione if you want."

"Ugh."

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would B, Y, and E together."

"So cruel."

"Deal with it."

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

"I thought Malfoys didn't pick boogers."

"… Fine, I'll get the house elf to pick you first."

"… Ew."

"Damn Potter, it must be illegal to look _that _good."

"Damn Malfoy, it's gotta be illegal to use pick-up lines _that _bad."

"Hmphf. I'll have you know-"

"Whatever Draco."

"If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips."

"Aw, that was actually rather sweet…"

"Great! So you, me, Hogsmeade, tomorrow at 8?"

"… But not sweet enough."

"Damn it!"

"Will you have sex with me?"

"No sex before marriage."

"Will you marry me?"

"Shouldn't we have a relationship first?"

"Will you go out with me?"

"No."

"Hello, are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?"

"Oh, I'm _so _sorry Draco – the deadline for the entries was yesterday!"

"What? I missed it?"

"Yeah… what do you think, though - I'm stuck between Michael from Ravenclaw and Ernie from Huffelpuff…"

"Ugh, neither of them." _*shudders*_

"If you were a drug, I'd gladly overdose."

"… Wait, so... you're not already on drugs?"

"No! What makes you think that?"

"… Ah. Uhmm... Nothing?"

"Will you go out with me?"

"Draco-"

"Before you answer, let me tell you this: I'm allergic to 'no', and addicted to 'yes'. So what's gonna it be?"

"No."

"AHHHHHHH! You've killed me!"

"Can I have some directions?"

"Sure. Just go down the hall and it's the first door on your left."

"But... what? You were supposed to say 'to what'?"

"Really? I thought you were asking me where to find the Hospital Wing."

"Noo, I wanted to know the directions to your heart! Or even better, your bed..." _*winks saucily*_

"When God made you, he was showing off."

"When God made you, he was pissed off."

"I must be a snowflake, 'cause I've fallen for you!"

"It's summer, Draco."

"You have some really soft hands."

"Why, thank you!"

"Would they like to massage my really soft body?"

"… You killed it."

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"You're not allowed in the Gryffindor Tower."

"Are you a light switch? 'Cause I want to turn you on!"

"You always do."

"Rea... r-really?"

"Nah, I just thought I'd make you happy."

"If you were a basilisk, I wouldn't mind dying just to look into your eyes."

"If I were a basilisk, I wouldn't mind killing you with just my eyes."

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

"Do you know why all the girls call me '_Aguamenti'_? Every time they hear my name, they get _wet_."

"What? Really? I always thought it was because you cried a lot."

"I do _not _cry a lot."

_*Snorts* _"Whatever you say."

"Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really _kicking_."

"Yes, and I'll demonstrate it if you don't go away."

"Really? Karate? That's quite hot."

"Yeah, it is."

"Did you just say '_Wingardium Leviosa_'? 'Cause you've got me rising, baby."

"_Wingardium Leviosa."_

"Oh shit! Jade put me back on the ground NOW! Where are you taking me? Not the wall! Not the WALL! MY FACE! My poor face!"

_*Sniggers*_

"Damn Jade honey, are your parents terrorists? 'Cause you are the _bomb_!"

"Damn Draco honey, I think time is running out; you might wanna get out of here before I explode in your face."

"Can I be your house elf? I'll do whatever you want and I don't need any clothes."

"Well, I don't mind the house elf part, but _please, _for the love of god, keep your clothes on."

"Did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"When you fell from Heaven? Did it hurt?"

"Well, actually… I think I have this horrible bruise forming on my arse – and it hurts like _hell_. Will you _please_ check it out for me?"

"Really?"

"No."

"You know, if a fat man with a beard happens to stuff you in a bag one night, don't be afraid – I told Santa that I wanted _you _for Christmas this year."

"You believe in Santa?"

"… Are you questioning Santa's existence?"

"But you're a... _pureblood_. I didn't know you even knew who Santa _was."_

"Yeah, well, um, Granger told me a few months ago. I now know that my parents have been lying to me all this time - they've never given me presents, _Santa _has!... And they took all the credit... So, _don't _insult Santa! Ever again!"

"... Uhm... Anyway Draco, it's still summer! Santa's… still on holiday right now. There's no way you could have gotten through to him."

"Stop finding loopholes in ALL my pick-up lines, god DAMN IT!"

"If I had a galleon for every time I've thought about you, I would be a rich man."

"Oh goody, would you mind buying me a bottle of permanent ink and a quill then?"

"…Why?"

"Because I think it would be highly amusing to write 'Malfoys _do_ pick boogers!' on some parchment and attach it to your back."

"Apart from being sexy, what else do you do for a living?"

"Reject you."

"Hey Jade!"

"Yeah?"

"Cupid called me. Just now."

"… O-kay. Really? Err, what did he say?"

"He told me to tell you that he needs my heart back."

_*stares* _"… Hey, Draco?"

"Yeah?"

"The St. Mungos just called."

"…And?"

"They asked me to tell you that they need their patient back."

"Funny. Very funny."

"I know."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"You know, Jade, the voices in my head, they told me to come over here and talk to you."

"Oh, did they now? Weeeellll, the voices in _my _head told me to tell the voices in _your _head to get lost."

"I must be in Heaven 'cause I'm standing next to you."

"I must be hell 'cause I'm standing next to you."

"My darling, sweet, lovely Potter,  
Every single day, you seem to be getting hotter,

You make all my days sunny,  
I'd let you take _all _my money,

Your sapphire eyes make me drool,  
Your sexy body makes me blabber like a fool,

Your lips are soft and lovely,  
And my lips, with them, would like to get cuddly,

And I know this last line doesn't really rhyme,  
But I love you, so will you do me the honour of going out with me?"

"Did you make that poem up by yourself?"

"Yep."

"… That was…"

"Amazing? Great? _Convincing_?"

"Sickening, ridiculous, and hysterical actually."

"Will you say yes now?"

"Hmmm, after all the effort you put into that poem… It is tempting… but no."

"No? But _why_?"

"Because."

"When I look at you, I hear a thousand angels playing the harp."

"...Malfoy, that's a bit gay."

"You seem surprised?"

"No... No, not really."

"You're exactly like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone."

"You're exactly like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You give me headaches and you taste _vile_."

"Violets are blue, roses are red, what's it going to take to get you into bed?"

"Better pick-up lines."

"You know what would look good on you, Jade?"

"blue, right? Hermione says that blue suits me pretty nicely."

"No, not _blue! Me!"_

"…blue will have to do."

"I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list."

"Really? You have a '_to do'_ list? And here I've been thinking _I _was special."

"Jade, have you got any raisins?"

"Nope."

"Then how about a _date?_"

"You should check the kitchen, rumor has it that an adorable house elf named wink has several dates."

"Being without you is like being under the Cruciatus Curse, Jade."

"Should I just kill you then, to end your suffering?"

"Jerk"

"Yup."

"Jade, the word on the street is legs, so why don't you come over to my dorm and spread the word?"

"I'd rather kiss a retarded flobberworm."

_Frowns. _"That sounds rather... unpleasant..."

"Exactly."

"You're a super Quidditch player, Jade."

"Oh… um, thanks!"

"Yeah. You wanna come ride my broomstick?" _Waggles eyebrows suggestively._

"Nah, I've already asked Finnegan if I can use his." _Also waggles eyebrows suggestively. _

"Ew. Just, ew."

"You know, Jade, Divination was always my favourite subject."

"You never took Divination, Draco."

"Well… yes… but… that's not the point…"

"_Oh_! You're about to hit me with another stupidly cheesy pick up line. Aren't you. Go on then, shoot."

"Huh?"

_Sighs _"The pick-up line Draco?"

"Oh. Yeah. So, I can see the future. And it involves me, you and a bed."

"Really? Well, all _I_ can see is you, me, a beater's bat and lots of bruises."

"… Oooh. Kinky."

"Wow."

"Draco?"

"Wow."

"Okay, stop looking at me like that… it's creeping me out."

"Hmm. Are you sure you're not wearing space pants?"

"Uh… I'm wearing our uniform skir-"

"'Cause your ass is out of this _world_…" _Gazes dreamily at Jade's bum._

"Oh dear."

"Can I touch it?" _Seems to be creepily entranced. _"Please?"

"Get away from me you stalker!"

"Ever heard that skin is the biggest organ?"

"Yes."

"Not in my case."

"Well, it's definitely not your brain."

"It's not my fault I fell in love, Jade, you're the one that tripped me."

"Now there's a thought." _Sticks leg out. Draco hmphfs and walks away._

"I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me."

"No, I really do just want you to go away."

"You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears!"

"I'm not going to answer that. That's just too stupid."

"Remember me? Oh that's right, we only met in my dreams."

"We see each other daily."

"Yes, well-"

"Besides, I wouldn't show up in your dreams even if somebody paid me."

"Really?" _Looks hurt._

"Alright, perhaps if somebody paid me, then..."

"Hey Draco!"

"Hi Jade."

"You know, when I said 'Accio Hottie', I didn't think it would work..."

_Blinks. _"Did you just... Did you just use a pick-up line on me?"

"Yup. Now, are you going to respond? Or do I have to use all the pathetic ones that you used on me?"

"They were _not _pathetic... Well... maybe some of them... But, er, anyway... Well, er, will you go out with me now?"

"Yes."

_Blinks again. _"YES!... I mean, that's great! So I'll meet you outside your common room this Saturday, yeah?"

"Yeah, alright." _Smiles._

"Brilliant! Amazing! Great! W-well, er, bye Jade!"

**A/N: extra pick up lines; **

**"Jade I wanna do you like _my_ homework, slam you on the table and _dooo_ you all night."**

**"Draco, I wanna do you like I do _my slam you on the table and ignore you for the rest of the night."_**

I will be doing a holiday themed pick up line one about any characters if you want so review! or take the poll


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